So This is Life

Dear Molly,

Welcome to adulty-adulting! 26 years. 11 years of blogging. 

This year was hard. You seem to be one for medical emergencies that spiral out of control. Last time it was an anaphylactic reaction, this time it was a seizure. That's right. A full on, tonic-clonic seizure. Samantha was diagnosed with epilepsy in early 2020.

10 Years Later

Dear Molly,

September 1st, 2023.

You started this blog on September 1st, 2013. 10 years ago! It was kind of a spur of the moment thing.

So. You're 25 now. An adult-y adult. Two years out of college. Did the past decade play out like you'd envisioned it would? Well, no.

Way back then, you were just doing the best you could, hoping you'd make it past a tough year transitioning to high school.

Then your world completely fell apart. You don't like playing the reverse what if game, but if any number of things had played out differently when you were 15, things wouldn't have spiraled out of control like they did.

You did pull yourself out of that first hole. Being forced to change schools, mental breakdown, and being pulled out of school. By sheer determination, you got your life back on track. 

By standing up to your parents to do what you knew had to be done and transferred back. Even then, you displayed a remarkable knack of smiling through whatever garbage-baloney comes your way.

You made it college, and muddled through.

You transferred and moved away from home, and then there was a pandemic.

You got fired from two jobs and lost two grandparents in the span of a year. Your self confidence was destroyed.

But hear you are, with two college degrees, two part time jobs, and things seem to be moving in the right direction.

Now that you're not in school, you're able to really train as a figure skater! You're taking private lessons 3 times a week, expensive, but so worth it. Moves in the field, testing and competition programs, ice dance, and now showcase!

You haven't been playing cello, but you're teaching violin lessons. You're trying to make more lanyards. You're taking a Spanish class.

You're still working in operations at Lakewood ICE, and are two weeks into your first "big kid job" as a paraeducator at Burbank Elementary School in Artesia.

You (finally) have a driver's license and are hoping to buy a car, move out, and start graduate school for occupational therapy in the next couple of years. 

Overall, you're trying your hardest to live your best life. 

10 years later, you're still sharing your story with the immediate world. And you're proud of that.

Love,

Molly

Song of the Day: Beautiful Times by Owl City

Beautiful Times 

A spark soaring down through the pouring rain

And restoring life to the lighthouse

A slow motion wave on the ocean

Stirs my emotion up like like a rain cloud

When did the sky turn black?

And when will the light come back?

A cab driver turned to skydiver

Then to survivor,

Dying to breakdown

A blood brother, surrogate mother,

Hugging each other, crying their eyes out

When did the sky turn black?

And when will the light come back?

I'm ecstatic like a drug addict

Locked in the attic

Strung out and spellbound

I fought all through the night

Oh, oh, but I made it alive

The sun's starting to rise

Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard

But I'm gonna survive

Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

A bad feeling burned through the ceiling

Leaving my healing heart with a new scar

A dead fire rose and rose higher

Like a vampire, up from the graveyard

When did the sky turn black?

And when will the light come back?

We all suffer but we recover

Just to discover life where we all are

I fought all through the night

Oh, oh, but I made it alive

The sun's starting to rise

Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard

But I'm gonna survive

Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

This fight of my life is so hard, so hard, so hard

But I'm gonna survive

Oh, oh, these are beautiful times

My heart's burning bad

And it's turning black

But I'm learning how to be stronger

And sincerely, I love you dearly

Oh, but I'm clearly destined to wonder

And Now

 Written in December 2022

Dear Molly,

It's been nine years and three months since you started this blog. It's been six months since you graduated college. It's been four since you turned twenty-four. And now?

Now you can say that your twenty-third year rivaled your fifteenth for most tumultuous of your young life.

Pippi (the best dog ever) died in December. It wasn't unexpected, but it was sudden. She was your family Hanukkah present in 2008. She'd had a tumor on her leg for over a year, and then it ruptured. 

On January 1st, you wished that 2022 would be brighter than 2021. January was fine.

In February, things started to fall apart. You got a new roommate who blew up at you when you tried to apologize for being messy. You were on edge, and planned a trip home for the first weekend of March.

On March 5th, Grandma Phyllis was admitted to the hospital. You flew back to San Jose on March 6th. On March 11th, Dad called you to say she was going downhill, and you booked the first flight home for the next day. Early in the morning on March 12th, she died. 

You flew back to San Jose. And then you broke down. Rehashing the details is just painful. You'll share about the middle part of the year when everything has been resolved.

So yeah. Now you have a driver's license, and two college degrees, and they mean diddly squat. You didn't have many job prospects because you don't have relevant work experience nor reliable transportation. 

The sad truth is that you're still not always proud of yourself. You still feel like you haven't done anything remarkable. You just spent six years of your life in limbo. Your mental health went down the toilet, then you got an AD/HD diagnosis, which broke you and mended your soul all at once. You've been reconciling with that diagnosis ever since.

The reason you feel that way is clear enough. At the end of the day, your college diploma is the same piece of paper everyone else got for graduating. Sure, yours has a lot of words on it, but a whole degree in music has only made your imposter syndrome worse.

It's been six years since you were singled out and made to feel special. And that's because as a college student, you weren't. It will always hurt that no matter what happens in the future, you finished your undergrad without getting any sort of special recognition in the form of a piece of paper suitable for framing. 

But more than that, you never got the feeling of being selected, chosen, and wanted by your peers. They love you in orchestra, but if you're thrown in a room with a bunch of music performance majors and/or the marching band, they don't always know what to make of you. "To know you is to love you", but they never seem to want to get to know the real you. They see you at your worst, and as you've been told, somehow can't grasp what you'll be like at your best. Big surprise, you still buckle when under external stress. It's caused you to suffer so much. You constantly feel judged. It's sad but logical that you've developed a fear of workplace bosses, given how more than once, they were looking to find fault. It's mind-boggling how they lose humanity in the process.

At least you have skating. It's the one thing in your life that has never let you down. The Rinks-Lakewood ICE is your happy place, no ifs, ands, or buts. Full stop. No question. This has been true since 2009. Since you were in fifth grade. Coming up on 14 years. Longer than it hasn't. And this will never change. 

You didn't realize the full extent of it until to you got to the rink complex in San Jose. It's state of the art, sure, but it's sterile. It's not that the people aren't nice, they're just not welcoming. Lakewood is lived in. Cue the corn and cheese, there's no place like home, there's no place like the rink, and there's no place like your home rink.

But you've buckled down, busted out, and broke through. You've paid your dues. The tides will have to turn eventually, right?

And maybe they did, just a little. You're working as a skate guard at Lakewood now, although you've been stuck with the cosmic skate shifts, which have never been your cup of tea.

May 2023

Today I heard the strangest, I heard the strangest song

A DJ a star away is playing it to turn us on

(Ay)

My heart started glowing, I feel it inside, it's flowing

I say I know, I know, I know, we're only human

I know, I know, I know how we're designed, yeah

Oh I know, I know, I know, we're only human

But from another planet

Still they call us humankind

Today I had the strangest feeling that I belong (belong)

(Ay)

Before, I was dying, I feel it inside, now I'm flying

I say I know, I know, I know, we're only human

I know, I know, I know how we're designed, yeah

Oh I know, I know, I know we're only human

But from another planet

Still they call us humankind

Before, I was dying. I feel it inside, now I'm flying

I know, I know, I know

We're only human

I know, I know, I know

How we're designed

Oh I know, I know, I know

We're only human

But we're capable of kindness

So they call us humankind

Another Cycle 'Round the Sun

Dear Molly,

2021 is over. What. A. Year. 

It was another year of finding your place, another situation where circumstances snowballed and blew up in your face, another time you had to deal with rejection from things you wanted more than anything, and another chance to remember your own guts and grit, and another realization to give yourself grace.

As always, you stepped up without hesitation, and proved to be a rare example of someone who follows through. And being a member of the SJSU School of Music and Dance Advocacy Committee was a blessing. You didn't have to go out of your comfort zone, you just had to show up. And just by being willing to stick around and offer an opinion here and there, you made a difference.

As always, you refuse to let things go if they mean a lot to you, even against your better judgement. After awkward online Camp Scherman, you just wanted to go back and replace the horrible memories of spiraling out of control with memories of making a positive impact. Except you ruined it by confiding in the wrong person. Impulsively, you applied to Northern California camps, landed a position, and knew that it was going to feel like a stepping stone to getting back to where you wanted to be. You chose the camp that was going to be the least similar to the camps you grew up with. The camp at a new site. But the red flags were there before you even started. You had to learn the hard way that there's only so much one person can handle when everyone around them has no clue what they're doing because they've never done it before. So camp with Girl Scouts of Northern California wound up being a dud. Thankfully, there's 110 other councils that would love to welcome you and help you grow as a counselor and as a person.

Then there was the music fraternity debacle. It hurt you right in the heart. 'They'd be lucky to have me' to 'it's their loss' to 'they never deserved me in the first place' is brutal when you're not wanted anywhere. There's something to be said for being wanted, but in the end, you need to put your heart and soul into things that will be there for the rest of your life. You're not going to be a college student forever. But you fully intended to ice skate as long as possible.

And then you did something above and beyond just dealing with whatever garbage-baloney life gives you and moving forward. You joined color guard, for real this time. It was a decade-long pipe dream that became a reality. The learning curve was steep, more tears of frustration than you'd care to admit to were shed, and you questioned why you signed yourself up for something you were woefully underprepared for. But over the course of four months, you kept at it, attending every practice, and trying your best to learn in an unforgiving environment. And the end result, a pregame sequence and five halftime shows was something to be proud of.

As always, you made your way back to the group that's been your sanctuary for coming up on two-thirds of your life: orchestra. A group were you belong, fit in, and are appreciated.

2022 will mark the end of your life as an undergraduate student. What a journey it's been.

A horrifying first semester with a barely passing GPA at CSULB. Getting a long-awaited AD/HD diagnosis, and learning that your learning struggles weren't about anything you did or didn't do was a relief. Being able to be yourself on your own terms the next year, and learning how to work through anxiety when it hits. A third year that wasn't part of the plan that was largely unremarkable.

Finally achieving the goal of going to a school not in Long Beach. Turning the pipe dream of majoring in music into a reality. A global pandemic that left you stuck doing school work in your room for more than a year. Going back to a San Jose, which will never be quite be your home, but will always be a good place to learn and grow and become your best self.

In four short months, you'll be a college graduate. You'll get a certificate suitable for framing! A Bachelor of Arts with majors in Behavioral Science and Music, with a minor in Creative Arts. (The minor was for good measure. It was actually just three extra classes that were easy enough. There was already one extraneous class, two semesters of choir and one of steel drums from CSULB and one class that also counted as a music elective.) 

Although you already knew the general direction your life is headed, you're almost ready to face the future. You know who you are, and you know who you're meant to be. No matter what life throws your way, you can rise above. To quote the Arthur Theme Song, Believe in yourself, and that's the place to start.

Love,

Molly

Song of the Day: 100 Years by Five for Fighting.

Well, you're only at 23 years and change, but you already feel as though you've lived a meaningful life and accomplished all the things you've set out to do. You only have 100 years to live, but you intend to make each of them count.

I'm 15 for a moment
Caught in between ten and 20
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

I'm 22 for a moment
And she feels better than ever
And we're on fire
Making our way back from Mars

15, there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose
15
There's never a wish better than this
When you've only got a hundred years to live

I'm 33 for a moment
I'm still the man, but you see I'm a "they"
A kid on the way, babe
A family on my mind

I'm 45 for a moment
The sea is high
And I'm heading into a crisis
Chasing the years of my life

15, there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to lose yourself within a morning star

15, I'm alright with you
15
There's never a wish better than this
When you've only got a hundred years to live

Half time goes by, suddenly you're wise
Another blink of an eye, 67 is gone
The sun is getting high
We're moving on

I'm 99 for a moment
And dying for just another moment
And I'm just dreaming
Counting the ways to where you are

15, there's still time for you
22, I feel her too
33, you're on your way
Every day's a new day

Ooh-ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo-hoo
Ooh-ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo-hoo
Ooh-ooh-hoo, ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo

15, there's still time for you
Time to buy and time to choose, hey, 15
There's never a wish better than this
When you've only got a hundred years to live

Blogi-versary

Dear Molly,

The world made it through eight months of 2021. 

This blog has made it through eight years of your life.

Every time you do a requisite 1st of the month blog, you find yourself marveling about how much time has passed. Now, it's nearing a decade. A newborn would be a third grader. So, you went back to read every entry, just like you said you would in September of 2013.

You indeed wrote to your future self and anyone willing to listen. And Type B+ Journey chronicles your life events, and your growth as a human.

"Wherever you go, there you are."

Well, since your last entry, you went to a new place that wound up being nothing like you expected. 

Working at Girl Scouts of Northern California Camp Hidden Falls nearly broke you. 

Basically, nobody at the camp knew what they were doing. No one had ever been in their role before, and some had never been to camp at all. You were suffering emotionally and had zero support. So rather than try to help you be a good counselor, they terminated you on an hour's notice. You'll never forget being given the suicide hotline number on a post it and dropped off at the airport, being wished "good luck."

You were left in the lowest place since 2014. Old wounds opened up and new ones created. It starts to feel like you'll never catch a break. Like whenever there's something important, you screw it up. Like you don't do well with responsibility and never will. In all honesty, at least at the moment, responsibility can start to frighten you. 

But you're working on that, learning to be the best leader you can be. Every day. Never doubt that you are worthy of love and respect. You have good things to contribute to the world. 

And you made it back to San Jose. Back to music making and a double major BA. And hopefully, back to believing in yourself.

Song of the Day: "Miracles (Someone Special) by Coldplay.

My father said never give up son
Just look how good Cassius become
Mohammed, Mahatma, and Nelson
Not scared to be strong

Now you could run and just say they're right
No I'll never be no one in my whole life
Or you could turn and see the way they're wrong
And get to keep on dancing all life long

My father said never give up, son
Just look what Amelia and Joan done
Or Rosa, Teresa, the war won
Not scared to be strong

Now you could run and just say they're right
No I'll never be no one in my whole life
Or you could turn and see the way they're wrong
And get to keep on dancing all life long
Yeah you could be

Someone special
You've got bright in your brains and
Lightning in your veins
You'll go higher then they've ever gone
In you I see
Someone special
You've got fire in your eyes and
When you realize
You'll go further then we've ever gone (look)
Just turn it on

I pay my intuition I couldn't afford tuition
My funds was insufficient and it felt I'm in prison
Until I realized I had to set my mind free
I was trusting statistics more than I trust me
Get a degree, good job, 401k
But I'm trying to turn Ks to Ms what does it take?
And maybe I could be the new Ali of music, probably
Instead of doing it just as a hobby like these boys told me to
I guess you either watch the show or you're showin' proof
Prove it to them you prove it to yourself
But honestly its better if you do it for yourself
Never complacent 'til we hit the oasis
One life don't waste it feel my heart races, success I taste it, I
We on the verge again and every single day that we deserve

Yeah you could be
Someone special
You've got fire in your eyes
I see heaven inside
You'll go further then we've ever gone
In you I see
Someone special
You've got bright in your brains
You can break through those chains
You'll go higher then we've ever gone
Just turn it on

In you I see
Someone special
Don't go to war with yourself
Just turn, just turn, just turn it on
And you can't go wrong

You don't have to brave all the time, but remember you shouldn't be scared to be strong. 

And you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for being.

You've got bright in your brains, lightning in your veins, and fire in your eyes.

You can break through those chains.

You are someone special.   

Love,

Molly

Seven Years and Seven Months

Dear Molly,

When you started this blog on September 1st, 2013, you wanted to begin to tell your story to the world. At 15, you couldn't have fathomed the story your teenage and college years would turn out to be. Let's recap.

15: Upheaval.

The first semester of tenth grade managed to chew you up and spit you out. You lost pretty much all motivation to succeed. You lasted two weeks at the school you'd made a conscious decision not to go to, and ended up in a homeschooling program for the remainder of the year. Utter hell. At least this turn of events lead you to start figure skating again. For the first time in eight years, you couldn't go to Girl Scout camp. Instead you had to do summer school, which was a drag and a bore. 

16: Loneliness. 

It's ugly. It's especially ugly when you know that nobody else can relate, by default. It's knowing you shouldn't feel lonely, you're in an accelerated program! You're in orchestra! Yes, but your class schedule is handpicked, and you hate it. New friends were difficult to come by. But academically, you did better. As and Bs in Honors and APs! You aced Spanish. But in the end, you knew you had to flee. Flee from a so-called music teacher who was a bully at best and emotionally abusive at worst.

17: Growth.

Back at the high school where you started, you did better. You had friends, were in a music ensemble that provided both challenge and inspiration, and overall were in a better headspace. You got an A in AP English Lit, and shined in Finite Math. Your first, last, and only math award was your first, last, and only non-obligatory honor in high school. (Thank you, Ms. Schaaf, who will openly express her distaste for the concept of teacher of the year, but earned the Molly Rosenfeld's Math Teacher of the Public School Career award. Her approach to education is: If you want to learn, I'll teach you; if you don't, stop wasting my time. It works.) You really wanted to go away for college, but you agree to start at CSULB, knowing all along your plan is to run fast and far as soon as possible.  

18: Change.

Your first year of college. It was rocky at best. The advising was garbage, and you felt dropped in without a net. With a stroke of bad luck, you had two rather nasty professors your first semester. Your grades reflected this, you finished the year with a GPA so low it was embarrassing. That summer, you were supposed to work at Camp Scherman, but had another breakdown while at training. You seem to have a proven talent for screwing the important things up. You're still working on that. The inadvertent high point of that year was getting a new therapist and being diagnosed with AD/HD. Your academic struggles have a root cause. There's a reason why you struggled so badly. It's nothing you did or didn't do, it's a difference in your brain chemistry. You are wired differently.
 
19: Belonging.

Year two at CSULB, and it was mostly alright. Your classes fall semester were alright. You landed a job as a research assistant in the phonetics lab. Spring semester, you threw yourself into music classes at Bob Cole, ending up with orchestra, choir, steel drums, and piano. You made friends! But your mental health took a definite hit because you were in so many classes. But your grades were respectable. Your grand transfer plans had to wait, but it was a setback you could deal with.

20: Complacency.

This year felt pretty unremarkable. Fall semester classes weren't so hot, physical anthropology with yet another rather nasty professor and a physiology class where you just couldn't keep up, and you dropped both. Spring semester was better. The highlights of the year were definitely skating and playing the Studio Orchestra at Bob Cole. In fact, one Sunday in February, you got to compete in the morning and perform in the evening! Your first national ISI competition, and first orchestra concert not in Long Beach fell on the same weekend, which was fine by you. (Alas, you wound up getting second place out of two for your artistic routine to "Waking Up", and first place out of one for your interpretive/extemporaneous routine to "Thriller". The concert was at a church in Downey.) But your grand transfer plans  were a go!

21: Achievement.

You made it to San Jose State, and overall, had a good time. Three upper division behavioral science courses at once almost did you in at a few points. Music theory is not your forte. But you made friends in orchestra, had a great time in voice class, and enjoyed being away from your family for the first time. 

A Rose: One randomly assigned roommate who you bonded with right away and became your go-to for all things music, a confidant, and one of your favorite people. A Thorn: One randomly assigned roommate who came back at odd hours, would leave lights on when you were trying to sleep, and even let her boyfriend move in on weekends for a month straight. It was disgusting, but one day in February, she just left. You came back to a half-empty room, so it worked out in the end. And your grades were better than ever.

22: Existence.

Well, this is the year the world fell apart with a pandemic. You've been back in Long Beach, taking classes via Zoom, and pretty much just waiting around for things to be normal. You did join the SJSU School of Music Advocacy Committee, and it's great to know you're making a difference. After a 10 month gap, you started back up with ice skating lessons, which does help your overall happiness level. After being kicked to the curb by Camp Scherman this summer after a tense online camp-semblance last year, you impulsively applied to the Girl Scouts of Northern California camps. You're going to be a counselor at Camp Hidden Falls near Santa Cruz, which will be a nice change. And in a year you'll graduate from college, with Bachelor of Arts degrees in Behavioral Science and Music, and a minor in Creative Arts.

And on...

You're closer to 25 than you are to 20, becoming a more adultier adult. There'll be struggles and triumphs, but you're ready to live your best life.

Love,

Molly

Song of the Day: Better by One Republic

Yes. Every day, things are getting better. No matter how sucky the present is, you hold on hope for a bright future.

I don't set alarms
Lately I don't set alarms
But that's because of the ringing that's happening inside my head
Inside my head
Yeah yeah
It keeps me safe from harm
At least I tell myself I'm safe from harm
But really it's probably filling my dreams with dread
So I get out of bed
Yeah yeah
Yes I'm neurotic I'm obsessed and I know it
I can't take vacations and the brain won't believe me I'm on one
Hawaii under warm sun
Yeah yeah

I think I lost my mind
Don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again

I'll tell myself I'll change
That's right I tell myself I'll change
But then I begin to realize that the problems inside my veins
But it's inside my veins (vein)
Yeah yeah
I swear I'm not insane
Yes most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I'm never boring
But I've been losing sleep so call the doctor said take one of these
And call me in the morning

I think I lost my mind
Don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
Sing it again

So here's the question asked
Of all the things you love the people places from the future to your ancient past
Of every one of those which one will cause you to let it go, let it go
Need to crash

Think you lost your mind
Well don't worry about it
Happens all the time
In the morning you'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
Don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
Things are slowly getting better
Sing it again

December 1st

Dear Molly,

Today is a rough day. And that's okay. There have been rough days before and there will be rough days again. But today might be different. And that's okay. It will be rough, but you will get through it. Online classes are hard. Finals are hard. But you will be alright. You are Molly. You are strong.

From, 

Molly

December 1st, 2020