Moving On

Dear Molly,

      So. You're almost done with senior year. Wow. My goodness. Oh Jeepers(Sorry Addie). There's a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. But another one is fast approaching.

C O L L E G E. Yikes.

      Check Facebook and you'll see you were accepted at schools in far flung places: Northern California, Arizona, Colorado, Kansas...

       And yet there is no drum roll. The four walls that have been yours since negative 2 months of age (true) will be yours for at least another year. Eagle to Hawk to Jackrabbit to Ram back to Jackrabbit to 49er. CSULB. Go Beach! Maybe.

      It's hard not to feel jealous of everyone who is going to x place. I guess now you're the green-eyed monster. (Who came up with that phrase anyway? As a jade-eyed kid, you're offended. But you digress.) You've been talking to your munchkin friends who are no longer munchkins as they are all teenagers, and most understand the tough position. You hang around the geniuses, feel like a slacker, and will say, "I knew her/him when." You hang around average or below people, are treated like a visiting dignitary, and get depressed. And the cycle repeats.

      But you're still standing. You will go places in life, to college for Music Therapy and beyond. To infinity, and beyond.

Song of the Day:

It's Time by Imagine Dragons

It's true. You're spent and need to build yourself up and not look back and not let anyone down and never change who I am. But you would like to temporarily leave this town. Only to eventually return.

So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit, right to the top
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the Academy a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

This road never looked so lonely

This house doesn't burn down slowly

To ashes
To ashes

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

Here I Am

Dear Molly,
Wow. You're a senior. How the heck did that happen? 17. Seriously? Kindergarten at Emerson was 13 years ago. Yikes.

Also, fighting tooth and nail, you're back at Poly. Rock the Green and Gold. Not in PACE, but 4 AP classes suit you just fine. It's a tough schedule. AP English Literature, AP Biology, AP Music Theory, AP Spanish Language, Finite Math, and Orchestra. Thank goodness for an orchestra class that doesn't put you to sleep. (True. Falling asleep on a cello is no simple task, but something you managed to do at Millikan.)

You've applied to colleges, and are forced to think about the future. But thinking about the future forces you to remember the past. How far you've come. From a smiley little kid, to a successful student, to a miserable ball of sadness and even despair. To a teenager with a bright future ahead of her. A person who was a victim of awful circumstances who somehow managed to triumph over them.

So here you are. Alive and ready to conquer whatever challenges are in your way.

Love, Molly

Song of the Day: "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield. As cheesy as it is, it's true.

"Unwritten"

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

Surviving and Thriving

Dear Molly,

       So. Junior year came to a close. And you've made it. At the very least, you survived. Well, kind of, sort of, maybe. Perhaps. And it was a rough year. You don't recommend trying to go back to a school with people you haven't seen in years.

      Overall, the year was sort of blah. Bleh. Meh. You muddled through Millikan, while encountering a cast of characters, which is to be expected. Some that you liked. Some that you didn't. A few people stick out in your mind, for various reasons. Looking back, you'll probably remember some truly good moments of people who went out of their way to be nice. But not many. Your teachers were good for the most part. Your grades left something to be desired.

       There's plenty of blah to mention.

       But the most important part of this year was self discovery. Too much of it to appropriately mention here.

       Moving on to senior year and college scares the sh*t out of you at the moment. You're on your way. You don't know where you're going. You're on your way. You're taking your time but you don't know where.(Thanks Paul Simon. Me and Julio Down By The Schoolyard is a great song on a number of levels.) Anyway, like you said in the beginning of this blog, you're on a journey, a journey to thrive. And it ain't stopping anytime soon.

Song of The (Day,Week, Month, Year)

      This is a fight song. Notice the changes in words from "banging on his door" to "banging on this door". In NFTY this year, you learned quite a bit more about spirituality. To you, "God" has always been less of a person and more of an entity.

      This song just speaks to you on a number of levels, rap part included.

Love, Molly

"Hall Of Fame" by The Script
(feat. Will.I.Am)

Yeah, you can be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

You can beat the world
You can beat the war
You can talk to God, go banging on this door

You can throw your hands up
You can beat the clock (yeah)
You can move a mountain
You can break rocks
You can be a master
Don't wait for luck
Dedicate yourself and you gon' find yourself

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

You can go the distance
You can run the mile
You can walk straight through hell with a smile

You can be the hero
You can get the gold
Breaking all the records they thought never could be broke

Yeah, do it for your people
Do it for your pride
How are you ever gonna know if you never even try?

Do it for your country
Do it for your name
'Cause there's gonna be a day...

When you're standing in the hall of fame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

Be a champion, be a champion, be a champion, be a champion
On the walls of the hall of fame

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers
(Yeah)

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions
Be truth seekers

Be students
Be teachers
Be politicians
Be preachers

Be believers
Be leaders
Be astronauts
Be champions

Standing in the hall of fame (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And the world's gonna know your name (yeah, yeah, yeah)
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

(Be a champion)
You could be the greatest
(Be a champion)
You can be the best
(Be a champion)
You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

(Be a champion)
You could beat the world
(Be a champion)
You could beat the war
(Be a champion)
You could talk to God, go banging on this door

(Be a champion)
You can throw your hands up
(Be a champion)
You can beat the clock (yeah)
(Be a champion)
You can move a mountain
(Be a champion)
You can break rocks

(Be a champion)
You can be a master
(Be a champion)
Don't wait for luck
(Be a champion)
Dedicate yourself and you gonna find yourself
(Be a champion)

Standing in the hall of fame

Back With Vengance

Dear Molly,

       So you've made it. The year of hell that was 10th grade is officially behind you. You're a junior now; alive and kicking, back with vengeance. Sure you're scarred for life. You've learned about the good, the bad, and the ugly of life and growing up. Let's break it down.

The Good:
      You know myself very well. You know that you're sociable and shy all rolled into one. You know that you have perseverance; you have since kindergarten when Ms. Peterson, the best kindergarten teacher in the history of kindergarten taught twenty 5-year olds the meaning of that word and its utmost importance. You know what you love; music, writing, family, diversity, community, loyal friends, and those with not just surface sympathy, but deep empathy.

And the Bad:
      You know what you hate: conceited stuck-up pseudo-friends, people who simply choose not to care or understand, violence and anger, and above all: loneliness. You know it really well.

And the Ugly to Beat all Uglies:
      Depression. The long slippery slope that you just can't seem to crawl away from. A deep, dark hole that goes on for miles and miles, months and months with no end in sight. The feeling that nobody will ever understand what you're going through.

      It's been over 6 months since the last update. You're 6 months older and 6 months wiser. You survived crippling depression, extreme loneliness, and serious understimulation. You made it through Opportunities for Learning,  2 weeks of day treatment at UC Irvine, and summer school. You're about 2 months into junior year at Millikan.

      So life keeps moving. It always will, through good times and awful times, joy and sadness, smiles and tears.

Song of The Day: Wake Me Up by Avicii

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans

Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is the prize

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

Didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know (didn't know, didn't know)

     You're finding yourself. You're feeling awake, alive, and ready to tackle whatever what ever comes at you.

Love, Molly

Me!

Dear Molly,
So according to Facebook... People actually read this! Yay! That gives you an incentive to update more often! So....
Dear Readers,
      I have yet to be truly open and blunt about my diagnosis. I have a "mood disorder". That's right, a mood disorder! Not uni-polar depression. Not quite bipolar disorder. Not a stress disorder. Not Asperger's or High Functioning Autism. Not even Molly syndrome. There's a name for what makes me special and unique. It makes me patient and friendly. Empathetic and passionate. It doesn't mean I belong in a special education classroom or a mental institution. It just makes me Molly Hannah Rosenfeld, and one heck of a human being!
      It basically means I have longer lasting and more severe mood swings than that totally average, 28 year-old right-handed Han Chinese male ( which, fun fact, is apparently The average human being).
  So sometimes I'm really down and depressed, occasionally  I'm really up and practically manic. It's not a happy way to go through life. But it's getting better. I'm on medication and have an awesome therapist.
    So please cut me a little slack sometimes. I know I'm not perfect but I try my hardest to be a genuinely likable individual.

Thanks for reading!
 Molly

Song of the Day: Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine
This roller coaster of life can only get better, like this song states.
                                                Happiness hit her like a train on a track

Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Fears and Faults You've Left Behind

Dear Molly,

     Life is rough. There's no getting around that unsatisfying bit of information. But karma has blown up in my face over the last several weeks. There's no denying that either. Let's go back about a month. That's when my life took a wrong turn.

     It all started at my confirmation weekend with my Temple's 10th grade class. I could only talk about school. It was the only thing on my mind. So I annoyed everyone there. Then I had to go visit Papa Ken in a rehabilitation center, and fought with my entire family all the way home. Mom got so mad she stormed out of the car when we were driving down Palo Verde. It was the start of one hell of a week.

   Monday was a very long day. That night, my acne seemed worse than usual. I put on more acne cream. Boy, was that a mistake. The next day, smack in the middle of the CAHSEE, I developed a rash. Mom had to pick me up from school and take me to the doctor. Turns out that salicylic acne products contain sulfa, which I'm blatantly allergic to. I survived the next week on no sleep, a cough drop in my mouth at all times and a minimum of two oatmeal baths a day. By Thursday I was so sleep deprived that I had to go to the nurse's office to take a nap during lunch. I had been in there so many times that week the rude clerk was convinced I just felt like being in there and was faking it. On Friday I could barely get out of bed. Mom sends me to school anyway. I just couldn't take it another nanosecond. I asked to be excused from first period English to get a cough drop. I was so sad, mad, and angry at the world that I just started wandering in a feeble attempt to calm myself down. Mistake. I had to be taken to the psychiatrist's office because my parents were convinced I was having a manic episode. I was just really sleep deprived. Extremely sleep deprived.

     So, I'm no longer at Millikan due to that Hell Week. I'm being home-schooled through a program called "Opportunities for Learning." It serves the strangest population of students. Everyone from delinquents to gifted people. And I hate it. I miss Poly so much it brings me to tears to just think about it. I miss the school environment, the social interactions, and even having 7 different classes with 7 different teachers piling homework on you.

    But I'm going to go back to Poly and PACE if I have any say in the matter. So just remember Molly, this too shall pass. Just about everyone who reads this cares about you and your well being. And never forget you have this Type B Plus personality. It serves you well in life, and some day, maybe even today, you'll use it to help 
other people.


And Today, you get two songs. Both with deep meaning to you.


The Cave, By Mumford and Sons
  

It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat

You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see

But I have seen the same

I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

‘Cause I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth

Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see widows and orphans through my tears

I know my call despite my faults

And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands

And see the world hanging upside down

You can understand dependence

When you know the maker's land

So make your sirens call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

‘Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

And All Fall Down, By OneRepublic

Step out the door and it feels like rain
That's the sound, that's the sound on your windowpane
Take to the streets but you can't ignore
That's the sound, that's the sound, you're waiting for

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's where you'll find me
(Yeah)

God love your soul and your aching bones
Take a breath, take a step, meet me down below
Everyone's the same, our fingers to our toes
We just can't get a ride, but we're on the road

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's where you'll find me
(Yeah)

Lost till you're found, swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate, strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's where you'll find me

Lost till you're found, swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate, strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

All fall down, all fall down
All fall down, all fall down
All fall down, all fall down

Lost till you're found, swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate, strong till you break
Know that we all fall down



Love, Molly

Bittersweet

Dear Molly,

      So you've spent a week at Millikan. You're currently at Camp Hess Kramer with your confirmation group, some of your favorite people. You're enjoying yourself. So, Millikan. 1st period English with Mrs. Hickox. She's the QUEST Lead Teacher She's quirky, but hopefully in a good way. 2nd period dance, which is fun. Once you figure out how to do a six step. 3rd period math with Ms. Davis, who's really interesting. 4th period Spanish, and you're way ahead. They're just learning the preterit. 5th Period Bio, where you have a student teacher, Mr. Thyden. He's pretty cool. 6th period orchestra, which is in all honesty kind of boring. 7th period drawing and painting, which is a lot of fun. 8th period APUSH with Mr. Osborn, who seems exactly like Mr. Gillogly, right down to the SMOs. And you were thrown in head first, and already have to think about next year's classes. You were going to take AP Art History, but found out you are required to take Physics, ugh. So that means you'll probably wind up doing AP Bio instead of Art History. But now it's a toss up between Music Theory and Psychology. Hmm. But, overall Millikan is a good change, but you miss Poly.

Song of the Day: Bittersweet Symphony, by the Verve
It's pretty fitting.

Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah

You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?

Love, Molly