Back With Vengance

Dear Molly,

       So you've made it. The year of hell that was 10th grade is officially behind you. You're a junior now; alive and kicking, back with vengeance. Sure you're scarred for life. You've learned about the good, the bad, and the ugly of life and growing up. Let's break it down.

The Good:
      You know myself very well. You know that you're sociable and shy all rolled into one. You know that you have perseverance; you have since kindergarten when Ms. Peterson, the best kindergarten teacher in the history of kindergarten taught twenty 5-year olds the meaning of that word and its utmost importance. You know what you love; music, writing, family, diversity, community, loyal friends, and those with not just surface sympathy, but deep empathy.

And the Bad:
      You know what you hate: conceited stuck-up pseudo-friends, people who simply choose not to care or understand, violence and anger, and above all: loneliness. You know it really well.

And the Ugly to Beat all Uglies:
      Depression. The long slippery slope that you just can't seem to crawl away from. A deep, dark hole that goes on for miles and miles, months and months with no end in sight. The feeling that nobody will ever understand what you're going through.

      It's been over 6 months since the last update. You're 6 months older and 6 months wiser. You survived crippling depression, extreme loneliness, and serious understimulation. You made it through Opportunities for Learning,  2 weeks of day treatment at UC Irvine, and summer school. You're about 2 months into junior year at Millikan.

      So life keeps moving. It always will, through good times and awful times, joy and sadness, smiles and tears.

Song of The Day: Wake Me Up by Avicii

Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start

They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
Hope I get the chance to travel the world
But I don't have any plans

Wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is the prize

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost

Didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know (didn't know, didn't know)

     You're finding yourself. You're feeling awake, alive, and ready to tackle whatever what ever comes at you.

Love, Molly

Me!

Dear Molly,
So according to Facebook... People actually read this! Yay! That gives you an incentive to update more often! So....
Dear Readers,
      I have yet to be truly open and blunt about my diagnosis. I have a "mood disorder". That's right, a mood disorder! Not uni-polar depression. Not quite bipolar disorder. Not a stress disorder. Not Asperger's or High Functioning Autism. Not even Molly syndrome. There's a name for what makes me special and unique. It makes me patient and friendly. Empathetic and passionate. It doesn't mean I belong in a special education classroom or a mental institution. It just makes me Molly Hannah Rosenfeld, and one heck of a human being!
      It basically means I have longer lasting and more severe mood swings than that totally average, 28 year-old right-handed Han Chinese male ( which, fun fact, is apparently The average human being).
  So sometimes I'm really down and depressed, occasionally  I'm really up and practically manic. It's not a happy way to go through life. But it's getting better. I'm on medication and have an awesome therapist.
    So please cut me a little slack sometimes. I know I'm not perfect but I try my hardest to be a genuinely likable individual.

Thanks for reading!
 Molly

Song of the Day: Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine
This roller coaster of life can only get better, like this song states.
                                                Happiness hit her like a train on a track

Coming towards her stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too, oh
Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height by someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Fears and Faults You've Left Behind

Dear Molly,

     Life is rough. There's no getting around that unsatisfying bit of information. But karma has blown up in my face over the last several weeks. There's no denying that either. Let's go back about a month. That's when my life took a wrong turn.

     It all started at my confirmation weekend with my Temple's 10th grade class. I could only talk about school. It was the only thing on my mind. So I annoyed everyone there. Then I had to go visit Papa Ken in a rehabilitation center, and fought with my entire family all the way home. Mom got so mad she stormed out of the car when we were driving down Palo Verde. It was the start of one hell of a week.

   Monday was a very long day. That night, my acne seemed worse than usual. I put on more acne cream. Boy, was that a mistake. The next day, smack in the middle of the CAHSEE, I developed a rash. Mom had to pick me up from school and take me to the doctor. Turns out that salicylic acne products contain sulfa, which I'm blatantly allergic to. I survived the next week on no sleep, a cough drop in my mouth at all times and a minimum of two oatmeal baths a day. By Thursday I was so sleep deprived that I had to go to the nurse's office to take a nap during lunch. I had been in there so many times that week the rude clerk was convinced I just felt like being in there and was faking it. On Friday I could barely get out of bed. Mom sends me to school anyway. I just couldn't take it another nanosecond. I asked to be excused from first period English to get a cough drop. I was so sad, mad, and angry at the world that I just started wandering in a feeble attempt to calm myself down. Mistake. I had to be taken to the psychiatrist's office because my parents were convinced I was having a manic episode. I was just really sleep deprived. Extremely sleep deprived.

     So, I'm no longer at Millikan due to that Hell Week. I'm being home-schooled through a program called "Opportunities for Learning." It serves the strangest population of students. Everyone from delinquents to gifted people. And I hate it. I miss Poly so much it brings me to tears to just think about it. I miss the school environment, the social interactions, and even having 7 different classes with 7 different teachers piling homework on you.

    But I'm going to go back to Poly and PACE if I have any say in the matter. So just remember Molly, this too shall pass. Just about everyone who reads this cares about you and your well being. And never forget you have this Type B Plus personality. It serves you well in life, and some day, maybe even today, you'll use it to help 
other people.


And Today, you get two songs. Both with deep meaning to you.


The Cave, By Mumford and Sons
  

It's empty in the valley of your heart

The sun, it rises slowly as you walk

Away from all the fears

And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat

You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see

But I have seen the same

I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

‘Cause I have other things to fill my time

You take what is yours and I'll take mine

Now let me at the truth

Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears

I can see widows and orphans through my tears

I know my call despite my faults

And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands

And see the world hanging upside down

You can understand dependence

When you know the maker's land

So make your sirens call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

‘Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again

And All Fall Down, By OneRepublic

Step out the door and it feels like rain
That's the sound, that's the sound on your windowpane
Take to the streets but you can't ignore
That's the sound, that's the sound, you're waiting for

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's where you'll find me
(Yeah)

God love your soul and your aching bones
Take a breath, take a step, meet me down below
Everyone's the same, our fingers to our toes
We just can't get a ride, but we're on the road

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's where you'll find me
(Yeah)

Lost till you're found, swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate, strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

If ever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
Whenever your world starts crashing down
That's where you'll find me

Lost till you're found, swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate, strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

All fall down, all fall down
All fall down, all fall down
All fall down, all fall down

Lost till you're found, swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down
Love till you hate, strong till you break
Know that we all fall down



Love, Molly

Bittersweet

Dear Molly,

      So you've spent a week at Millikan. You're currently at Camp Hess Kramer with your confirmation group, some of your favorite people. You're enjoying yourself. So, Millikan. 1st period English with Mrs. Hickox. She's the QUEST Lead Teacher She's quirky, but hopefully in a good way. 2nd period dance, which is fun. Once you figure out how to do a six step. 3rd period math with Ms. Davis, who's really interesting. 4th period Spanish, and you're way ahead. They're just learning the preterit. 5th Period Bio, where you have a student teacher, Mr. Thyden. He's pretty cool. 6th period orchestra, which is in all honesty kind of boring. 7th period drawing and painting, which is a lot of fun. 8th period APUSH with Mr. Osborn, who seems exactly like Mr. Gillogly, right down to the SMOs. And you were thrown in head first, and already have to think about next year's classes. You were going to take AP Art History, but found out you are required to take Physics, ugh. So that means you'll probably wind up doing AP Bio instead of Art History. But now it's a toss up between Music Theory and Psychology. Hmm. But, overall Millikan is a good change, but you miss Poly.

Song of the Day: Bittersweet Symphony, by the Verve
It's pretty fitting.

Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah,

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
Try to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah

You know I can change, I can change
I can change, I can change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mold
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Have you ever been down?
Have you've ever been down?

Love, Molly

A New Chapter

Dear Molly,
     So, finals are over. You spent your last tearful day at Poly. You go tomorrow to dis-enroll and you start Millikan Tuesday. Yikes. It's going to be difficult starting fresh. But it's a good thing, you think. A lot of people are on Team Molly, there to support me. If anyone reading this would like to join, let me know.
     The feels. Gosh, they're overwhelming and conflicting. You want to miss Poly and curl up in a ball and bawl your eyes out. But yet, you want to keep putting one foot in front of the other. You're excited about Drawing and Painting, APUSH, and Accelerated Biology. You're excited for a clean slate grade wise. So don't screw it up. Don't.
     You're definitely going to miss Poly. You've made some good friends, hopefully some for life. But fresh starts are good.
Song of The Day: Superman(It's Not Easy), by Five For Fighting
'Cause it ain't easy. And yes, you like to imagine you have a cape on occasion. Or a funny red sheet. Whichever works.

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naïve
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird,
I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'Bout a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd but don't be naïve
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
And it's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
Well, it's alright
You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naïve
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me, inside of me

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
I’m only a man looking for her dream
I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
It's not easy.
It's not easy to be me.

New Year, New Molly!

Dear Molly,

      So it's a new year. A year of promise. A year of change. 2014!
So you have the typical new year's resolutions. Eat better, exercise more, be nicer to Sam. You want to get your grades up as well. Good thing it's a new semester in less than a month. And it will be at a new school. That's right. You're switching from Poly PACE to Millikan QUEST. If the stars align, it will only be for a semester. You're kind of excited, but really nervous. What if you screw up big time? You hope you won't.

      Song of the day: Girl on Fire by Alicia Keys. You hope this will be you in 2014.

She's just a girl, and she's on fire
Hotter than a fantasy, lonely like a highway
She's living in a world, and it's on fire
filled with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away

Oh, she got both feet on the ground
And she's burning it down
Oh, she got her head in the clouds
And she's not backing down

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Looks like a girl, but she's a flame
So bright, she can burn your eyes
Better look the other way
You can try but you'll never forget her name
She's on top of the world
Hottest of the hottest girls say

Oh, we got our feet on the ground
And we're burning it down
Oh, we got our head in the clouds
And we're not coming down

Everybody stands, as she goes by
Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes
Watch her when she's lighting up the night
Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl
And it's a lonely world
But she gonna let it burn, baby, burn, baby

This girl is on fire
This girl is on fire
She's walking on fire
This girl is on fire

Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...

She's just a girl, and she's on fire

Love, Molly