Blogi-versary

Dear Molly,

The world made it through eight months of 2021. 

This blog has made it through eight years of your life.

Every time you do a requisite 1st of the month blog, you find yourself marveling about how much time has passed. Now, it's nearing a decade. A newborn would be a third grader. So, you went back to read every entry, just like you said you would in September of 2013.

You indeed wrote to your future self and anyone willing to listen. And Type B+ Journey chronicles your life events, and your growth as a human.

"Wherever you go, there you are."

Well, since your last entry, you went to a new place that wound up being nothing like you expected. 

Working at Girl Scouts of Northern California Camp Hidden Falls nearly broke you. 

Basically, nobody at the camp knew what they were doing. No one had ever been in their role before, and some had never been to camp at all. You were suffering emotionally and had zero support. So rather than try to help you be a good counselor, they terminated you on an hour's notice. You'll never forget being given the suicide hotline number on a post it and dropped off at the airport, being wished "good luck."

You were left in the lowest place since 2014. Old wounds opened up and new ones created. It starts to feel like you'll never catch a break. Like whenever there's something important, you screw it up. Like you don't do well with responsibility and never will. In all honesty, at least at the moment, responsibility can start to frighten you. 

But you're working on that, learning to be the best leader you can be. Every day. Never doubt that you are worthy of love and respect. You have good things to contribute to the world. 

And you made it back to San Jose. Back to music making and a double major BA. And hopefully, back to believing in yourself.

Song of the Day: "Miracles (Someone Special) by Coldplay.

My father said never give up son
Just look how good Cassius become
Mohammed, Mahatma, and Nelson
Not scared to be strong

Now you could run and just say they're right
No I'll never be no one in my whole life
Or you could turn and see the way they're wrong
And get to keep on dancing all life long

My father said never give up, son
Just look what Amelia and Joan done
Or Rosa, Teresa, the war won
Not scared to be strong

Now you could run and just say they're right
No I'll never be no one in my whole life
Or you could turn and see the way they're wrong
And get to keep on dancing all life long
Yeah you could be

Someone special
You've got bright in your brains and
Lightning in your veins
You'll go higher then they've ever gone
In you I see
Someone special
You've got fire in your eyes and
When you realize
You'll go further then we've ever gone (look)
Just turn it on

I pay my intuition I couldn't afford tuition
My funds was insufficient and it felt I'm in prison
Until I realized I had to set my mind free
I was trusting statistics more than I trust me
Get a degree, good job, 401k
But I'm trying to turn Ks to Ms what does it take?
And maybe I could be the new Ali of music, probably
Instead of doing it just as a hobby like these boys told me to
I guess you either watch the show or you're showin' proof
Prove it to them you prove it to yourself
But honestly its better if you do it for yourself
Never complacent 'til we hit the oasis
One life don't waste it feel my heart races, success I taste it, I
We on the verge again and every single day that we deserve

Yeah you could be
Someone special
You've got fire in your eyes
I see heaven inside
You'll go further then we've ever gone
In you I see
Someone special
You've got bright in your brains
You can break through those chains
You'll go higher then we've ever gone
Just turn it on

In you I see
Someone special
Don't go to war with yourself
Just turn, just turn, just turn it on
And you can't go wrong

You don't have to brave all the time, but remember you shouldn't be scared to be strong. 

And you are much stronger than you give yourself credit for being.

You've got bright in your brains, lightning in your veins, and fire in your eyes.

You can break through those chains.

You are someone special.   

Love,

Molly

Seven Years and Seven Months

Dear Molly,

When you started this blog on September 1st, 2013, you wanted to begin to tell your story to the world. At 15, you couldn't have fathomed the story your teenage and college years would turn out to be. Let's recap.

15: Upheaval.

The first semester of tenth grade managed to chew you up and spit you out. You lost pretty much all motivation to succeed. You lasted two weeks at the school you'd made a conscious decision not to go to, and ended up in a homeschooling program for the remainder of the year. Utter hell. At least this turn of events lead you to start figure skating again. For the first time in eight years, you couldn't go to Girl Scout camp. Instead you had to do summer school, which was a drag and a bore. 

16: Loneliness. 

It's ugly. It's especially ugly when you know that nobody else can relate, by default. It's knowing you shouldn't feel lonely, you're in an accelerated program! You're in orchestra! Yes, but your class schedule is handpicked, and you hate it. New friends were difficult to come by. But academically, you did better. As and Bs in Honors and APs! You aced Spanish. But in the end, you knew you had to flee. Flee from a so-called music teacher who was a bully at best and emotionally abusive at worst.

17: Growth.

Back at the high school where you started, you did better. You had friends, were in a music ensemble that provided both challenge and inspiration, and overall were in a better headspace. You got an A in AP English Lit, and shined in Finite Math. Your first, last, and only math award was your first, last, and only non-obligatory honor in high school. (Thank you, Ms. Schaaf, who will openly express her distaste for the concept of teacher of the year, but earned the Molly Rosenfeld's Math Teacher of the Public School Career award. Her approach to education is: If you want to learn, I'll teach you; if you don't, stop wasting my time. It works.) You really wanted to go away for college, but you agree to start at CSULB, knowing all along your plan is to run fast and far as soon as possible.  

18: Change.

Your first year of college. It was rocky at best. The advising was garbage, and you felt dropped in without a net. With a stroke of bad luck, you had two rather nasty professors your first semester. Your grades reflected this, you finished the year with a GPA so low it was embarrassing. That summer, you were supposed to work at Camp Scherman, but had another breakdown while at training. You seem to have a proven talent for screwing the important things up. You're still working on that. The inadvertent high point of that year was getting a new therapist and being diagnosed with AD/HD. Your academic struggles have a root cause. There's a reason why you struggled so badly. It's nothing you did or didn't do, it's a difference in your brain chemistry. You are wired differently.
 
19: Belonging.

Year two at CSULB, and it was mostly alright. Your classes fall semester were alright. You landed a job as a research assistant in the phonetics lab. Spring semester, you threw yourself into music classes at Bob Cole, ending up with orchestra, choir, steel drums, and piano. You made friends! But your mental health took a definite hit because you were in so many classes. But your grades were respectable. Your grand transfer plans had to wait, but it was a setback you could deal with.

20: Complacency.

This year felt pretty unremarkable. Fall semester classes weren't so hot, physical anthropology with yet another rather nasty professor and a physiology class where you just couldn't keep up, and you dropped both. Spring semester was better. The highlights of the year were definitely skating and playing the Studio Orchestra at Bob Cole. In fact, one Sunday in February, you got to compete in the morning and perform in the evening! Your first national ISI competition, and first orchestra concert not in Long Beach fell on the same weekend, which was fine by you. (Alas, you wound up getting second place out of two for your artistic routine to "Waking Up", and first place out of one for your interpretive/extemporaneous routine to "Thriller". The concert was at a church in Downey.) But your grand transfer plans  were a go!

21: Achievement.

You made it to San Jose State, and overall, had a good time. Three upper division behavioral science courses at once almost did you in at a few points. Music theory is not your forte. But you made friends in orchestra, had a great time in voice class, and enjoyed being away from your family for the first time. 

A Rose: One randomly assigned roommate who you bonded with right away and became your go-to for all things music, a confidant, and one of your favorite people. A Thorn: One randomly assigned roommate who came back at odd hours, would leave lights on when you were trying to sleep, and even let her boyfriend move in on weekends for a month straight. It was disgusting, but one day in February, she just left. You came back to a half-empty room, so it worked out in the end. And your grades were better than ever.

22: Existence.

Well, this is the year the world fell apart with a pandemic. You've been back in Long Beach, taking classes via Zoom, and pretty much just waiting around for things to be normal. You did join the SJSU School of Music Advocacy Committee, and it's great to know you're making a difference. After a 10 month gap, you started back up with ice skating lessons, which does help your overall happiness level. After being kicked to the curb by Camp Scherman this summer after a tense online camp-semblance last year, you impulsively applied to the Girl Scouts of Northern California camps. You're going to be a counselor at Camp Hidden Falls near Santa Cruz, which will be a nice change. And in a year you'll graduate from college, with Bachelor of Arts degrees in Behavioral Science and Music, and a minor in Creative Arts.

And on...

You're closer to 25 than you are to 20, becoming a more adultier adult. There'll be struggles and triumphs, but you're ready to live your best life.

Love,

Molly

Song of the Day: Better by One Republic

Yes. Every day, things are getting better. No matter how sucky the present is, you hold on hope for a bright future.

I don't set alarms
Lately I don't set alarms
But that's because of the ringing that's happening inside my head
Inside my head
Yeah yeah
It keeps me safe from harm
At least I tell myself I'm safe from harm
But really it's probably filling my dreams with dread
So I get out of bed
Yeah yeah
Yes I'm neurotic I'm obsessed and I know it
I can't take vacations and the brain won't believe me I'm on one
Hawaii under warm sun
Yeah yeah

I think I lost my mind
Don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again

I'll tell myself I'll change
That's right I tell myself I'll change
But then I begin to realize that the problems inside my veins
But it's inside my veins (vein)
Yeah yeah
I swear I'm not insane
Yes most likely not insane
Everybody goes through moments of losing their clarity
At least I'm never boring
But I've been losing sleep so call the doctor said take one of these
And call me in the morning

I think I lost my mind
Don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
Sing it again

So here's the question asked
Of all the things you love the people places from the future to your ancient past
Of every one of those which one will cause you to let it go, let it go
Need to crash

Think you lost your mind
Well don't worry about it
Happens all the time
In the morning you'll be better
Things are only getting better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
Don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
In the morning I'll be better
Sing it again
I think I lost my mind
But don't worry about me
Happens all the time
In the morning I'll be better
Things are slowly getting better
Sing it again