Confessions of a College Student Who Doesn't Feel Like One

Dear Molly,

     Well, wow. Good golly. When you began this blogging adventure 3 years, 1 month, 3 weeks, and 3 days ago, you never thought this day would come. You're an 'adult' in college.   Depression has a way of slowing down time. The hell hole that was 2014 moved at the speed of Molasses in the Winter.

     In September 2013, you had this grand plan of becoming a cognitive scientist. You thought you wanted to go to a fancy private university, become a researcher, and unlock secrets of human behavior. And that plan dwindled with fury. You learned that you cannot stand to be around spoiled, rich, or snobby kids. Then you realized that while your intellectual curiosity is as strong as ever, you simply don't have the patience to do lab reports and things of that nature.They started to fall under the category of "Why bother?".

     Luckily, through time at AbilityFirst and joining two groups of Best Buddies, you learned that helping other people improve is your passion, your absolute favorite thing to do. You have a plan, and a definite path you're on.

     Well, college. It's weird having all this independence. But that doesn't detract from the reality that you're at your last choice of college because scholarships may help with tuition but involve sky-high costs of living. College ain't cheap. A family that's strapped for cash is not a pleasant family. And there's also a fatal lack of trust from the 'rents. Pleads of "What happened once won't happen again" don't fly. Sadly.

     The worst part of college is the constant boredom and loneliness. You have a two and a half hour break in the morning and an hour break in the afternoon, and never know what to do with yourself, besides attempting to focus on studying, and stare off into space and zone out. Ugh. And the loneliness. Sure, you see people in class, but you miss high school when you actually saw your friends on a regular, consistent basis. And the jealousy of seemingly everyone who gets to live somewhere besides at home at first choice colleges is raging on a daily basis.

     The best part about college is the classes. It's definitely weird not having math and English. But Spanish is going well, Sociology is enjoyable, you're slowly becoming better at tap dancing, and in spite of a not-so-great professor, Scientific and Spatial Reasoning is relatively interesting.

     Back to the part about not feeling like a college student: your life is really no different. You might go to a different school, but you're still living at home, with your parents to monitor your every move. But maybe that will get better in time. 

Love, Molly

Song of the day:
Future Looks Good by OneRepublic

Although the present kinda sucks, hope for a better future continues to make you get up and kick your own ass every single day.

Woke up starin' at this, starin' at this empty room
Looked at thousand different pictures that your mother took of you
You see I had this crazy dream last night, this man he talked to me
He told me everything that's good and bad about my history

But he said that you are, you are the future
He said that you are, you are the future
And the future looks good
The future looks good

Oh, call me anytime that every time you're losin' it
And tell me anyone and everyone who makes you feel like shit
Because you know anybody, everybody else can lie
But honey I won't see you with a, see you with a broken set of eyes

I swear that you are, you are the future
I swear that you are, you are the future
And the future looks good
Oh, yeah
The future looks good
Oh, yeah

The future looks good
Oh, yeah
The future looks good
Oh, yeah

You, you, you
You, you, you

Woke up starin' at this, starin' at this empty room
Looked at thousand different pictures that your mother took of you

The Road I'll Travel

Dear Molly,

     Wow. High school is over. 13 years of public school later. 13 years ago, you were a sunny 5 year-old who loved to watch PBS Kids, be read to, dance and couldn't wait to start kindergarten. 7 years ago, you were 11. You were busy taking violin lessons, going to ice skating class, reading voraciously, and eagerly awaiting middle school. 4 years ago, you were geared up to begin a new chapter in your life.

     3 years ago, your life as you knew it began to fall apart. 2 years ago, you were bored to tears in Summer School. Last year, you learned that life is all about taking matters into your own hands. You were hit with a startling realization: my future belongs to me. You're not going to let anyone else make bad decisions on your behalf. Last August, you were about to start senior year.

   Your parents tried to persuade you to stay at Millikan, but you knew you couldn't do it. You were lonely, withdrawn, and let self doubt get the best of you. You needed to do what you knew would be better, however marginally; transferring back to Poly to finish out your high school career And it was.

      You got your first A in English since 8th grade, and passed the AP Literature test. You won your first ever math award. You played cello and had to work to enjoy it. And you met so many great people through orchestra who you're so proud to call you're friends. You dropped AP Spanish at the 4th quarter because you flat out couldn't keep up. You realized that content wise, you were a full year behind your classmates. But that's not going to stop you from reaching your goal of being bilingual. Achieving fluency is something you're doing for you.

       You're learning your place in this world. You're learning even more about yourself. You're learning that people can be real @$$#%$ (pardon the typographical swear). You're learning what makes you happy. You like being optimistic and bringing joy to others. You love to smile, live to laugh, and will never turn down a hug. For the most part, you're proud of who you are. You refused to let circumstances get the best of you. You're not proud of how you were stubborn and let your pride get in the way.

     You're less than a week away from starting college. You turned 18 last Saturday. Today you got to sign my first ever medical release form, the real marker of being an adult. It's not merely the beginning of a different chapter; it's a whole new book. Consider it the latest volume in "The Book of Life": The Young Adulthood of Molly. It's a path you have in front of you, a road with a destination I you'll hopefully soon discover.

 Song of the Day: Magic by Trad and Anon

     You learned this song many years ago at Camp Scherman. You went to this amazing Girl Scout Overnight camp from the summer before 4th grade to the summer before 10th grade, despite thoughts and endorsements for Jewish Camp and Music Camp. But you found myself going back year after year. You'll definitely going to be a counselor if they will hire you! This song reminds you that there is still beauty in this world, and always will be.

When I was young, I thought the stars were made for wishing on,
And every hole deep in a tree must hide a leprechaun.
Old houses all had secret rooms if one could find the door,
But who believes in magic, anymore?

Magic is the sun that makes a rainbow out of rain,
And magic keeps the dream alive to try and try again.
Magic is the love that stays when good friends have to leave,
I do believe in magic, I believe.

Growing up the grown-ups said one day I'd wake to find,
That magic's just a childhood dream I'd have to leave behind.
Like clothes that would no longer fit and toys that I'd ignore,
I'd not believe in magic any more.

Magic is the sun that makes a rainbow out of rain,

And magic keeps the dream alive to try and try again.
Magic is the love that stays when good friends have to leave,
I do believe in magic, I believe.

When I grew up I learned again that much to my surprise,
The magic did not fade away- it took a new disguise.
A child, a friend, a smile, a song, the courage to stand tall,
I do believe in magic after all.

Magic is the sun that makes a rainbow out of rain,

And magic keeps the dream alive to try and try again.
Magic is the love that stays when good friends have to leave,
I do believe in magic, and love's the greatest magic, 

I do believe in magic, I believe.

Love, Molly




   

Moving On

Dear Molly,

      So. You're almost done with senior year. Wow. My goodness. Oh Jeepers(Sorry Addie). There's a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. But another one is fast approaching.

C O L L E G E. Yikes.

      Check Facebook and you'll see you were accepted at schools in far flung places: Northern California, Arizona, Colorado, Kansas...

       And yet there is no drum roll. The four walls that have been yours since negative 2 months of age (true) will be yours for at least another year. Eagle to Hawk to Jackrabbit to Ram back to Jackrabbit to 49er. CSULB. Go Beach! Maybe.

      It's hard not to feel jealous of everyone who is going to x place. I guess now you're the green-eyed monster. (Who came up with that phrase anyway? As a jade-eyed kid, you're offended. But you digress.) You've been talking to your munchkin friends who are no longer munchkins as they are all teenagers, and most understand the tough position. You hang around the geniuses, feel like a slacker, and will say, "I knew her/him when." You hang around average or below people, are treated like a visiting dignitary, and get depressed. And the cycle repeats.

      But you're still standing. You will go places in life, to college for Music Therapy and beyond. To infinity, and beyond.

Song of the Day:

It's Time by Imagine Dragons

It's true. You're spent and need to build yourself up and not look back and not let anyone down and never change who I am. But you would like to temporarily leave this town. Only to eventually return.

So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit, right to the top
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the Academy a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

I don't ever want to let you down
I don't ever want to leave this town
Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

This road never looked so lonely

This house doesn't burn down slowly

To ashes
To ashes

It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am