Onward and Upward

Dear Molly,

Five years and one month ago, you made a decision that changed your life. You were going to give the world a warning label: This is Molly. Be gentle.

And did it work? It did, indeed.

Somehow, you've made it through four semesters of college. You're officially an upperclassman! Where did time go? You find yourself posing that question in about every other blog entry. Time is a peculiar thing.

Well, it's been awhile since your last entry chronicling life events. Thirteen months, an entire school year, two semesters and a summer session. What's happened? What's changed?

Well, you made it a solid five months without any serious depression issues. And then the depression hit again in March, and it hit hard. And this time, it came with anxiety. Crippling anxiety.

You added on a bunch of extra classes when you realized you'd fallen behind on units. And it was brutal. Three actual classes: Language Acquisition, Listener's Approach to Music, and Human Development. Medical Terminology, which is a prerequisite for occupational therapy graduate school. One unit, an instructor who was a cool person but didn't do much instructing, 7 page worksheet packets due weekly, and frustration spent trying to remember all of the chole/o words. Piano I, which was two hours a week's worth of a battle between your brain and your chunky, chubby, cocktail weenie cellist fingers. Three performing ensembles. Basketball and Weight Training, 'cause units for exercise. And the seminar attached to your research assistant position. 9 different classes. Never again.

You kept yourself together during the weeks, but you could barely get out of bed on the weekends. As usual, you didn't seem to be getting along with normal circadian rhythm patterns. You're actively trying to fix that.

By some miracle, your grades were the best they've ever been in college. Yes, Cs do get degrees, but you're not a fan of being in the middle of the bell curve. Your GPA was 3.35. 7th grade Molly would no longer be quite so appalled.

And guess what? You've made friends!

You've become closer to a handful of Beach Hillel people. And sadly, two of you favorites just graduated. Lea, a fellow "I've got a minor because I'm multi-faceted" person is off to dance for the world. Julia is about to embark on a career in health care administration, which is a path you could never take and admire those who do immensely. And sadly, Rachel and Drew Kaplan moved to Ohio.

And there's your Little Ling Lab Family. You're the wide eyed one, Irene's the cool older sister, Coleen's the glue (with a knack for getting us all distracted), and Bianca's the rebel. You're happy that you'll still get to work with them, as you'll be volunteering in the lab when you can. And there's some new lab people too! No monetary compensation, but no seminar either. You'll take it.

You threw yourself into music. You pretty much took up residence at Bob Cole Conservatory. Music History, Piano, Orchestra, Chorus, and Steel Drums. And friends! People there actually like you. Music majors enjoy your company, and take you seriously as a cellist. You still struggle with thinking of yourself as a legitimate musician, but it's almost there.

Back in the beginning of the fall 2017 semester, you attended a music education "rally". And that choice to mingle over free pizza changed the trajectory of your year. By adding a music minor and hanging around the conservatory with a locker and practice room of your own, you now have more musician friends than you've ever thought possible.

In Beach Orchestra this past spring, there were four cello performance majors, one music education major, and one vocal major who also plays cello. And Andrew, Angel, Emily, Erika, Mariah, and Paola accepted you as one of their own. You've even found a same-age cello best friend in Emily. When you first met her 18 months ago, you thought she was pretentious. Since then, you've come to find she has a sense of humour akin to your own, is also reasonably cuddly(most cellists aren't), and shares the same chunky cello fingers. Oh, how perceptions change.

You've reconnected with some old friends from both Poly and Millikan through orchestra and choir. All were happy to see you again, especially now that you're feeling like your semi-normal self for the first time in years, not a strange depressed version. That honestly came as a surprise. People genuinely like you: faults, flaws, mistakes, insecurities, anxieties and all.

You've befriended composition, vocal, piano, jazz, brass, woodwind and percussion people, and even a few graduate students. You even took the train up to San Luis Obispo to visit Megan, the literal calm to your figurative storm.

Sadly, your grand transfer plans got delayed. Yet another dream deferred. It is what it is.

This semester has been rough so far with physiology, but you're in a good place mentally. And hopefully it'll stay that way.

Song of the Day:
Marchin On by OneRepublic.
You're putting one foot in front of the other, every single day. And you always will.

For those days we felt like a mistake
Those times when loves what you hate
Somehow
We keep marching on

For those nights that I couldn't be there,
I've made it harder to know that you know
That somehow
We'll keep movin' on

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have
I promise you that
We're marchin' on
We're marchin' on

For all of the plans we made
There isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care where we've been
I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin' on
We're marchin' on
We're marchin' on

For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know
We're not what we've seen

Oh for this dance we move with each other
There ain't no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have
I promise you that
We're marchin' on
We're marchin' on
We're marchin' on

For all of the plans we made
There isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care where we've been
I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin' on
We're marchin' on
We're marchin' on

Right, right, right, right, left
Right, right, right, right, left
Right, right, right, marchin' on

We'll have the days we break
And we'll have the scars to prove it
We'll have the bombs that we saved
But we'll have the heart
Not to lose it

For all of the times we've stopped
For all of the things I'm not

You put one foot in front of the other
We've move like we ain't got no other
We go where we go we're marchin' on
Marchin' on

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have
I promise you that
We're marchin' on
We're marchin' on
We're marchin' on (marching oh)
Right, right, right, right, left
Right, right, right, right, left
Right, right, right, right
Marchin' on (we're marchin' on)
We're marchin' on
Right, right, right, right, left
Right, right, right, right, left
Right, right, right, right
Marchin' on (oh oh oh)

Love,
Molly