Dear Molly,
So you've spent time brooding. And moping. And mourning for the things that could've been (of which there are plenty). You know you have internal pessimistic tendencies. Heck, you even have a shirt with a picture of an old-fashioned camera and the words "Don't Be Negative", undoubtedly advice you should follow more often. But now is not the time for that. It's time to be grateful for what you do have.
You survived your first semester of college, with less than stellar grades, but that's not the point. The point is that you didn't fail. It's been lonely, sure. Just gotta keep remembering all the money you're saving by living at home.
The point is that you mostly like yourself for who you are.
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Awhile back, I responded to a Facebook post from someone whom I think of as a close acquaintance. (Is that a thing? I take it to mean somebody whom you've only met once, but discovered you had a lot in common.)
So you've spent time brooding. And moping. And mourning for the things that could've been (of which there are plenty). You know you have internal pessimistic tendencies. Heck, you even have a shirt with a picture of an old-fashioned camera and the words "Don't Be Negative", undoubtedly advice you should follow more often. But now is not the time for that. It's time to be grateful for what you do have.
You survived your first semester of college, with less than stellar grades, but that's not the point. The point is that you didn't fail. It's been lonely, sure. Just gotta keep remembering all the money you're saving by living at home.
The point is that you mostly like yourself for who you are.
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Awhile back, I responded to a Facebook post from someone whom I think of as a close acquaintance. (Is that a thing? I take it to mean somebody whom you've only met once, but discovered you had a lot in common.)
The post went: If literally no one wants me around, why am I here?
Me: I recently decided to go about life under the impression that people don't like me and save myself from a lot of heartbreak.
Me: I recently decided to go about life under the impression that people don't like me and save myself from a lot of heartbreak.
INTERUPTION:
I used to go about life naïvely thinking that I was well-liked by just about everyone. I know it's stupid to care about it, but social media and finishing high school have made me doubt that. The sheer number of people who have blocked me and/or stopped communicating with me makes me feel hurt. What did I do wrong? And then I remember that the connection between my brain and my mouth is faulty what feels like more often than not. I really should get a pacifier shaped like a foot so I can literally put my foot in my mouth. And after that, my heart starts to shatter into a million little pieces and the hurt continues to increase. Exponentially. If I could help it, I would have never hurt a flea. But it's too late. Words cut deep, and I know I can be completely brutal without meaning to be.
Me, continued: I guess the reason we're here is to touch the lives of the people who care about us unconditionally.
Her: Well said.
Me: Thanks. It means a lot
.
.
Her: So does the fact that you even responded.
And I'd like to think I've done just that, touched the life of a person or two.
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One good quality that you do have is that you're authentic.
To quote yearbook signatures, birthday greetings via Facebook, and text messages: You are "wonderful, don't forget it" and "so fantastic".
You're "unapologetically quirky" and "true to yourself" and "Truly one of a kind...genuine, sweet, and bright".
Even though you're singing your own praises, so to speak, it feels good that these last three came from people who have never met.
You have a "unique way of thinking", and are "friendly and honest", not mention "great and understanding".
"You are funny and intelligent, and I always have such great conversations with you."
"You're so interestingly inquisitive, happily positive, and always bring a smile to people."
You miss all of these people quite a bit. Fine, a lot.
You love with your whole heart. In a Girl Scout activity devoted to disproving stereotypes, you wrote that you are "passionate but friendly."
But with all that love comes some hate. You have a tendency to hold grudges. (Mrs. Bhatia and Mr. Maxson, I'm looking at you. People can be really horrible.) The world isn't there to hurt you, but it feels that way sometimes. And then your thoughts unconsciously turn to "Why me?" What did I do to deserve mental illness? Nothing. No one deserves it.
Mental illness is an equal opportunity offender. It will strike anyone.
In fact, your mom even had the idea to create a mental, caricature of a cartoon representation of depression. Pat is a great big ugly monster with yellow teeth, stringy, scraggly, unwashed hair, ripped clothes, and the like. Pat has slowed you down, but not stopped you.
To quote yearbook signatures, birthday greetings via Facebook, and text messages: You are "wonderful, don't forget it" and "so fantastic".
You're "unapologetically quirky" and "true to yourself" and "Truly one of a kind...genuine, sweet, and bright".
Even though you're singing your own praises, so to speak, it feels good that these last three came from people who have never met.
You have a "unique way of thinking", and are "friendly and honest", not mention "great and understanding".
"You are funny and intelligent, and I always have such great conversations with you."
"You're so interestingly inquisitive, happily positive, and always bring a smile to people."
You miss all of these people quite a bit. Fine, a lot.
You love with your whole heart. In a Girl Scout activity devoted to disproving stereotypes, you wrote that you are "passionate but friendly."
But with all that love comes some hate. You have a tendency to hold grudges. (Mrs. Bhatia and Mr. Maxson, I'm looking at you. People can be really horrible.) The world isn't there to hurt you, but it feels that way sometimes. And then your thoughts unconsciously turn to "Why me?" What did I do to deserve mental illness? Nothing. No one deserves it.
Mental illness is an equal opportunity offender. It will strike anyone.
In fact, your mom even had the idea to create a mental, caricature of a cartoon representation of depression. Pat is a great big ugly monster with yellow teeth, stringy, scraggly, unwashed hair, ripped clothes, and the like. Pat has slowed you down, but not stopped you.
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I've come a long way since I started this blog more than three and a half years ago. I've been knocked down, but I've gained the inner strength to get back up. I'm grateful I had the foresight to do a blog rather than a handwritten journal. Sharing my story has been and will continue to be therapeutic.
Overall, at the end of the day, my life is like a marble cake, a rubber band ball, or a jigsaw puzzle. There are good parts and bad parts of my history, but they all come together to make something beautiful.
Overall, at the end of the day, my life is like a marble cake, a rubber band ball, or a jigsaw puzzle. There are good parts and bad parts of my history, but they all come together to make something beautiful.
Song of the Day: Ordinary Human by OneRepublic
This song gets way less credit than it deserves. The Giver was actually a great movie; and in your humble opinion, Ordinary Human should have beaten out Let it Go for the Best Original Song Oscar. Alas, it wasn't even nominated.
Anyway, Ryan Tedder is a brilliant songwriter and under-appreciated genius.
It's true. You're an average, everyday, ordinary human cursed/gifted with unusually sharp introspectiveness. But it causes you to be compassionate. And yes, you sometimes medicate, with a prescription, but that's a story for another day.
There's been a switch in your vein and the shadows scream your name.
Today I took a walk in the clouds
Today I took a walk in the clouds
Used to keep my eyes wide shut
But now I'm staring down
Today I took a walk in the clouds
Used to keep my eyes wide shut
But now I'm staring down
Today I felt a switch in my vein
Today I felt a switch in my vein
Used to be a shadow
Now the shadows scream my name
And in the daylight I could swear
We’re the same
But I’m just an ordinary human
(Ordinary ways)
I’m just an ordinary human
But I don’t feel so ordinary today
Today I felt a switch in my vein
Used to be a shadow
Now the shadows scream my name
And in the daylight I could swear
We’re the same
But I’m just an ordinary human
(Ordinary ways)
I’m just an ordinary human
But I don’t feel so ordinary today
I’m just your picture perfect nothing
Sometimes I medicate
I’ll be a picture perfect human
Before the sun goes down today
Today I felt a switch in my vein
Today I made them all afraid
Used to be a shadow
Now the shadows scream my name
And in the daylight I could swear
We’re the same
But I’m just an ordinary human
(Ordinary ways)
I’m just an ordinary human
But I don’t feel so ordinary today
I’m just a picture perfect nothing
Sometimes I medicate
I’ll be a picture perfect human
Before the sun goes down today
Just an ordinary human
But I don't feel so typical, no, today
But I don't feel so typical, no, today
There'll be peace in the city tonight
Peace in the city tonight
But when I'm gone
I hope they get it right
There'll be peace in the city tonight
Peace in the city tonight
For when I'm gone
I hope they get it right
Peace in the city tonight
But when I'm gone
I hope they get it right
There'll be peace in the city tonight
Peace in the city tonight
For when I'm gone
I hope they get it right
Just an ordinary human
(Ordinary ways)
I'm ordinary human
I don't feel so ordinary today
(Ordinary ways)
I'm ordinary human
I don't feel so ordinary today
But when I'm gone
I hope they get it right...
I hope they get it right...
Love, Molly
