Ouch

Dear Molly,

      You've thought long and hard about this: How come people suffer, how come people part, how come people struggle, how come people break your heart? Break your heart? (Thank you, Coldplay, for so eloquently putting feelings into words.)

      No doubt have you suffered. You've obviously struggled. But why, why oh why, do you continue to give your heart away to a person you think of as a friend, again and again, time after time, only to watch it break into a million little pieces? Haven't you learned by now?

      Pouring your feelings out to someone who you think you can count on can be a recipe for having your soul crushed into shards.

      Why do you keep torturing yourself?

      The Answer: You're probably unconsciously hoping that eventually, you'll hit upon a few more people who you actually can trust. People who will never let you down. Maybe you'll find that person through posting this blog entry. Or maybe, just maybe, one of those aforementioned people will reach back out to make amends. You're willing to give second chances, since one thing you never do is quit. You're trying not to push too hard, but you're stubborn. You see things through. You want to just let these people fade into your memory, but that's never going to happen. You're not holding your breath, but you just want answers.

      The truly painful part about all of this is that you're acutely aware you're bumbling, overbearing, and obnoxious. Your mouth runs much faster than your brain. You can be a brutal savage.

      You half joke to yourself "I kill friendships for fun!", if you ever need a reason to beat yourself up. You're not going to make a list of former friendships because that would just plain hurt too much.

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      Please, Dear reader, tell me exactly what I did wrong. I don't want to keep making the same mistakes. The whole "It's not you, it's me" bit can't possibly be true. Of course it's me, and you don't like me for being myself. I'm never going to change completely, but I'm beyond willing to adapt. I just want to be liked.

      One of the biggest problems is that most of the time, other people don't understand how deeply I've been hurt and the anguish and grief I have to live with. Pain that only gets stronger with each passing day.

      Or worse yet, people will cut off all contact, either intentionally or not. If someone doesn't reply to a message, my first instinct is that they're consciously avoiding me. And then I feel like a piece of shit, because it's obviously my fault.

      I'll stop at nothing. At this point I'll resort to sending out smoke signals to get an answer.

But before I start setting the world on fire, I'll make some honest attempts in some more conventional ways.

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Song of the Day: Welcome to My Life by Simple Plan

While you don't feel this way all of the time, lately, this has sort of turned into College Molly's theme song.

I think some people do know what it's like. For the rest, maybe this post can give them an idea.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever want to run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what its like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what its like to be like me
To be hurt, to feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you want to be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
What it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

Molly