Dear Molly,
It's time that you go back and discuss the original topic of this blog: Mental Illness.
Back when you started this blogging journey, your diagnosis was singular: Major Depressive Disorder. Following your nervous breakdown in February of 2014, a quack psychiatrist slapped you with a Bipolar Disorder II diagnosis. The events that could be described as a manic episode were medication-induced. And the insomnia was the cause of the behavioral changes. Not sleeping was not a side effect of mania. The lack of sleep WAS the problem. You accept a label of Mood Disorder: Not Otherwise Specified, and write a blog entry about it.
At some point, you more or less self diagnose Anxiety, confirmed by your therapist at the time. You attended a group for teenage girls with Social Anxiety, but it became pretty clear that it wasn't your biggest issue, not by a long shot. You're just lovably socially awkward, and working on being less so. And a bit of a homebody at times, but aren't we all? Generalized Anxiety is a more accurate term. But your depression has always posed a much bigger problem than your anxiety. You tend to get anxious that you'll get depressed. Horrible, isn't it?
Around this time last year, you start seeing a new and extremely well-qualified therapist, who brings up an intriguing question. Do you have Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder? Of course, the initial response is: What? No! You can focus with the best of them, and you're not really hyperactive. However, you learn that there are actually multiple forms and manifestations of AD/HD.
The TOVA diagnostic test was truly awful. To keep yourself occupied, you sang camp songs the entire time. You are confirmed to have a type called "Over Focused". It basically means that you can have trouble shifting your attention, and tend to get stuck in repetitive thought patterns. And if the task at hand isn't holding your interest, you can direct 100% of your brain power elsewhere, to something you know you're not supposed to be doing. It does come with the added bonus of being a better multi-tasker than most. You'll take it.
The TOVA diagnostic test was truly awful. To keep yourself occupied, you sang camp songs the entire time. You are confirmed to have a type called "Over Focused". It basically means that you can have trouble shifting your attention, and tend to get stuck in repetitive thought patterns. And if the task at hand isn't holding your interest, you can direct 100% of your brain power elsewhere, to something you know you're not supposed to be doing. It does come with the added bonus of being a better multi-tasker than most. You'll take it.
Some people refuse labels, but they comfort the pragmatist in you. You're not broken. There's a name (or three, as the case may be) for what you're experiencing. But you can't tolerate the inaccurate labels. While it's true that you don't like the stigma attached to some problems, it's important that the label is correct so the symptoms can be treated. It was incredibly frustrating to find out that you were given an Autism Spectrum Disorder through seeing the Disabled Student Services paperwork for college. You learn that it was for simplicity's sake, and so that all of the possible help is available to you, even though you'll never need most of it. The bottom line is that you're not autistic. Making eye contact and understanding sarcasm and such are not problems for you, just the social awkwardness that you're working on every day. And you have Major Depression, not Bipolar Disorder.
You still take meds. It's been a long road. You have a lengthy list of prescription drugs that don't help or are unnecessary in treating your symptoms: Lexapro, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Abilify, Zoloft, and probably something else you're forgetting. That med trail was a disaster of epic proportions. You could even pin the blame on the disaster that was tenth grade on the anti-depressants.
The worst part of it was the weight gain: About 25 pounds. Thankfully you've lost it through switching meds and getting more exercise with skating. The drug that's been working is actually a mood stabilizer, not an antidepressant. It's called Lamictal. You're also prescribed Adderall for the AD/HD, which does help. It's not so much that you feel a difference when you take it. You just notice when you don't take it.
The worst part of it was the weight gain: About 25 pounds. Thankfully you've lost it through switching meds and getting more exercise with skating. The drug that's been working is actually a mood stabilizer, not an antidepressant. It's called Lamictal. You're also prescribed Adderall for the AD/HD, which does help. It's not so much that you feel a difference when you take it. You just notice when you don't take it.
You've accepted the fact that you're not deemed 'normal' by societal standards. You have this tripod underneath you, holding you up. It might have held you back in the past, but not any more. Sure, you could let it tie you down in the future, but that's not going to happen. You're going to keep fighting, every single day.
Song of the Day: The Greatest, by Sia
Sure, you've ran out of breath time and time again, closing your eyes to not feel the pain. But now, you've got stamina. And you sure as hell won't give up. You've certainly hit the lowest of lows, but now, you're free to be the greatest alive.
Sure, you've ran out of breath time and time again, closing your eyes to not feel the pain. But now, you've got stamina. And you sure as hell won't give up. You've certainly hit the lowest of lows, but now, you're free to be the greatest alive.
Uh-oh, running out of breath, but I Oh, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes
Well, oh, I got stamina
And uh-oh, I see another mountain to climb
But I, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, I need another lover, be mine
Cause I, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes
Well, oh, I got stamina
And uh-oh, I see another mountain to climb
But I, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, I need another lover, be mine
Cause I, I, I got stamina
Don't give up, I won't give up
Don't give up, no no no
Don't give up, I won't give up
Don't give up, no no no
Don't give up, no no no
Don't give up, I won't give up
Don't give up, no no no
I'm free to be the greatest, I'm alive
I'm free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest
The greatest, the greatest alive
The greatest, the greatest alive
I'm free to be the greatest here tonight, the greatest
The greatest, the greatest alive
The greatest, the greatest alive
Well, uh-oh, running out of breath, but I
Oh, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes
But, oh oh, I got stamina
And oh yeah, running through the waves of love
But I, I got stamina
And oh yeah, I'm running and I've just enough
And uh-oh, I got stamina
Oh, I, I got stamina
Uh-oh, running now, I close my eyes
But, oh oh, I got stamina
And oh yeah, running through the waves of love
But I, I got stamina
And oh yeah, I'm running and I've just enough
And uh-oh, I got stamina
