Today, September 10th, is World Suicide Prevention Day.
I myself have never been truly suicidal. But during some of my worst depressive periods, I would occasionally fall into catastrophic thinking traps regarding my own death.
What would happen if I were to be in a fatal accident of some sort? If I were to suddenly get sick and die? How would people react? How would they grieve?
How would I be remembered? A sunny, smiley, loving child? A person who was equally passionate and compassionate? A miserable ball of mental illness? The Girl Who Persevered?
That one kid?
That one kid?
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I didn't used to think about death very often. Fortunately, I never had to deal with prolonged grief in my childhood.
My grandfather died in 2005, when I was six. Most of my memories of my Papa Ernie are vague at this point. I do remember his funeral. I sat there feeling numb. I didn't cry. He was 81, had a long and wonderful life, and was no longer suffering.
My great uncle died in 2013. Uncle Arnie had been in poor health for some time. His memorial service was a month later, and it definitely was a celebration of his life. I loved all of the memories everyone shared, especially my mom's. She told a story from my parents' wedding reception in 1992. Everyone was having fun dancing, and the DJ started a conga line. Uncle Arnie wound up leading it, with some comically small hand gestures. Anyone else would've looked disinterested bordering on pathetic. But he was just dancing the way he knew how to.
I tried my hardest to genuinely empathize with friends and classmates who were dealing with the loss of a loved one, but I couldn't completely relate.
I tried my hardest to genuinely empathize with friends and classmates who were dealing with the loss of a loved one, but I couldn't completely relate.
But this past year, I witnessed the suicides of two high school classmates. And both hit me harder than I ever thought the death of a classmate I barely knew could. Two devastating blows. When I'd finally recovered from the first, which took about 6 months, the second came only a few weeks later.
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Emilio, who went by Emi, was a senior in Poly PACE. I'd only met him once, but I liked him right away. He was a fellow orchestra member, helped teach art classes, and was very gifted with Japanese as well. I remember he had an amazing smile, the kind that could light up the room. You couldn't help but smile back.
During that brief meeting in front of the music room, he seemed content, peaceful, and happy. But in December of 2016, the middle of his senior year, he ended his own life.
During that brief meeting in front of the music room, he seemed content, peaceful, and happy. But in December of 2016, the middle of his senior year, he ended his own life.
I'd known Sarah since 2005, when she was in Kindergarten. Her older sister Hannah, well known for being talkative and outgoing, was a good friend of mine in elementary school. Sarah was much more shy and gentle in comparison, and I definitely considered her my friend too.
All three of us loved Build A Bear, and were very attached to our pets: Hannah had her pink poodle Curly, I had my bear Leonna, and Sarah had her kennel club dog Scruffy. I fondly and vividly remember celebrating Hannah's 8th Birthday with the McDonalds. We went to the Build A Bear in Downtown Disney where we each picked out a new outfit for our stuffed animals. I still have the second grade journal entry about that day, complete with a pencil drawing of Leonna in her new shirt embroidered with flowers and matching jeans.
All three of us loved Build A Bear, and were very attached to our pets: Hannah had her pink poodle Curly, I had my bear Leonna, and Sarah had her kennel club dog Scruffy. I fondly and vividly remember celebrating Hannah's 8th Birthday with the McDonalds. We went to the Build A Bear in Downtown Disney where we each picked out a new outfit for our stuffed animals. I still have the second grade journal entry about that day, complete with a pencil drawing of Leonna in her new shirt embroidered with flowers and matching jeans.
I didn't see her much after I started at Stanford. But I watched her grow into a talented musician, playing flute, and she was in QUEST at Millikan. And at the end of her junior year, battling depression and OCD, she ended her own life.
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In the span of six months, I got two massive slap-in-the-face reality checks. I'd just gotten through the numbing pain of one suicide and was finally coming out of a depressive slump that lasted the better part of the spring semester. And then another one happened.
It took a lot of time to deal with the grief from Emi's death. On June 13th, exactly six months later, I shared a letter I wrote to him on social media.
Here's the text:
Here's the text:
Dear Emilio,
It's been six months since your death. Some things have changed, some haven't.
I only met you once, in front of the music room last year. I introduced myself, and I liked you right away. You seemed like a nice person, had an amazing smile, and were someone I wanted to get to know better.
Then in December, I was scrolling through Instagram and I saw Jared's post. And I felt my heart drop in my chest. Not sink, but drop. I felt numb. Here today and gone tomorrow really does happen. Suicide can hit close to home. I got really depressed again in March, to the point where getting out of bed in the morning was an accomplishment.
But I started to feel better when I realized I need to make myself happy. Sure, I've always been good at pleasing everyone, but often at my own expense. But I can't let other people's actions or lack thereof dictate my feelings. I thought: "What Would Emi Do?" He would probably want me to be happy. Last week, I had a lot going on, which makes my insomnia worse than normal. My thoughts start to race when I don't get enough sleep. I was walking to the doctor's office, and stepped on this, and picked it up. Now it's my "lucky rock", but also my "worry stone". I hold it, turn it over in my hand, rub it with my thumb, and think of you. I've been trying to find my own spirituality for awhile. I've come to the conclusion that I'm an agnostic Reform Jew. I believe in karma, omens, and cosmic coincidences. I'll never know why I went through all this shit in these past few years. We'll never know what we could have done to save your life. Emi, I'm writing this to let you know you've helped me find some of my inner peace after almost 19 years. And I hope you've found yours.
Love, Molly
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I had high hopes for a peaceful and fulfilling summer. And that flew right out the window when I got sick during camp training and had to leave before the kids even got there. So I was already in a woe-is-me state because the past two summers involved grand plans of working at Girl Scout Camps that I went to when I was younger. Grand plans of being away at Camp Scherman for six weeks smashed in a matter of days because of bad luck, awful timing, and circumstances beyond my control. And then, I got word of Sarah's death.
I was sent right back to square one of the grieving process. I had a lot of time to just sit and think these past two months, which generally isn't conducive to my own well-being. It was almost a relief to start school, simply because it's something I have to do four days a week.
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There's a specific song that comes to mind here; Jumper, by Third Eye Blind. Stephan Jenkins wrote it as a lament about a gay friend of his who died when he jumped off of a bridge. But it's evolved to be an anthem about struggle and triumph. It resonated with me during some of my darkest times. It reminded me that my life means something.
Lyrics:
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand.
The angry boy, a bit too insane,
Icing over a secret pain,
You know you don't belong.
You're the first to fight, You're way too loud,
You're the flash of light, On a burial shroud,
I know something's wrong.
Well everyone I know has got a reason, to say, put the past away.
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand.
Well he's on the table, And he's gone to code,
And I do not think anyone knows,
What they're doing here.
And your friends have left you, You've been dismissed,
I never thought it would come to this, And I, I want you to know.
Everyone's got to face down the demons,
Maybe today, We can put the past away.
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand,
I would understand...
Can you put the past away, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
I would understand.
Now when I listen to this song, I cry.
I figured that the best way to come to terms with all of the pain from the past nine months was to write another letter to Emi, and now Sarah.
So I did.
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I was sent right back to square one of the grieving process. I had a lot of time to just sit and think these past two months, which generally isn't conducive to my own well-being. It was almost a relief to start school, simply because it's something I have to do four days a week.
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There's a specific song that comes to mind here; Jumper, by Third Eye Blind. Stephan Jenkins wrote it as a lament about a gay friend of his who died when he jumped off of a bridge. But it's evolved to be an anthem about struggle and triumph. It resonated with me during some of my darkest times. It reminded me that my life means something.
Lyrics:
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand.
The angry boy, a bit too insane,
Icing over a secret pain,
You know you don't belong.
You're the first to fight, You're way too loud,
You're the flash of light, On a burial shroud,
I know something's wrong.
Well everyone I know has got a reason, to say, put the past away.
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, That you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand.
Well he's on the table, And he's gone to code,
And I do not think anyone knows,
What they're doing here.
And your friends have left you, You've been dismissed,
I never thought it would come to this, And I, I want you to know.
Everyone's got to face down the demons,
Maybe today, We can put the past away.
I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
You could cut ties with all the lies, that you've been living in,
And if you do not want to see me again, I would understand,
I would understand,
I would understand...
Can you put the past away, I wish you would step back from that ledge my friend,
I would understand.
Now when I listen to this song, I cry.
I figured that the best way to come to terms with all of the pain from the past nine months was to write another letter to Emi, and now Sarah.
So I did.
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Dear Emi, Dear Sarah:
The two of you lived a collective 34 years, 6 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days on Earth. Yes, I counted.
You both had such bright futures ahead. No one I've ever talked to has an unkind word to say about you. I didn't know either of you very well. But between my own recollections and what I've been told, I know for a fact that in your lives, you both had contagious spirits. Smart, kind, caring, loving, talented: beautiful souls all around.
I'll never stop thinking about how somehow, something had happened that lead you to make your last decision: I've suffered enough, and everyone else will understand why I no longer want to live. Believe me, I know why you might have felt that way, but I will never be able to accept it. Today, National Suicide Prevention Day, is a day I never imagined I would have to personally recognize, especially not twice over.
I hope that now, both of you have found your peace. You're no longer suffering. Unwittingly, you've helped me find some of my own. I now better understand my life's purpose: To help others achieve their full potential. I can help bring happiness to people, hopefully just by being myself. I can turn my dreams into goals. If I make someone smile each day, that day was worth it.
Emi and Sarah, I think about you every day. I'll never forget either of you, and make sure your memory isn't lost. I'll do everything in my power to live the best and most fulfilling life I can, an adulthood that neither of you reached.
My chosen song for the you is The Energy Never Dies, by The Script. Yes, it mentions death explicitly, but it reminds me about the fragility of our existence. We should embrace every single moment we have.
I hope that now, both of you have found your peace. You're no longer suffering. Unwittingly, you've helped me find some of my own. I now better understand my life's purpose: To help others achieve their full potential. I can help bring happiness to people, hopefully just by being myself. I can turn my dreams into goals. If I make someone smile each day, that day was worth it.
Emi and Sarah, I think about you every day. I'll never forget either of you, and make sure your memory isn't lost. I'll do everything in my power to live the best and most fulfilling life I can, an adulthood that neither of you reached.
I agree with Debbie Friedman's words in The Youth Shall See Visions: We must live for today, We must build for tomorrow. Give us time, give us strength, give us life. Although your time on Earth is over, you two will forever give me an inner strength to be the best person I can be.
My chosen song for the you is The Energy Never Dies, by The Script. Yes, it mentions death explicitly, but it reminds me about the fragility of our existence. We should embrace every single moment we have.
Here are the lyrics:
I cross my heart and I hope to die
May God strike me down if I tell you lies
I'd stay here forever looking in your eyes
24/7, baby, 3-6-5
May God strike me down if I tell you lies
I'd stay here forever looking in your eyes
24/7, baby, 3-6-5
I'll take your hand and I'll hold real tight
I'll tell you life's just a blink so don't think twice
Let's catch the moment in a flash of light, woah
24/7, baby, 3-6-5
I'll tell you life's just a blink so don't think twice
Let's catch the moment in a flash of light, woah
24/7, baby, 3-6-5
If we're gonna feel alive, then let's feel it now
We could all be blown to pieces
Because time's a ticking bomb
We could all be dead tomorrow
But our love will carry on
'Cause when you know, your days are numbered
And you're looking in my eyes
It's not the end, 'cause the energy never dies
Because time's a ticking bomb
We could all be dead tomorrow
But our love will carry on
'Cause when you know, your days are numbered
And you're looking in my eyes
It's not the end, 'cause the energy never dies
Oh, oh oh, oh, oh
I fell for you and I never got up
I stay here forever 'til I turn to dust
Just take every minute make it last for life, woah
24/7, baby, 3-6-5-5-5
I stay here forever 'til I turn to dust
Just take every minute make it last for life, woah
24/7, baby, 3-6-5-5-5
We could all be blown to pieces
Because time's a ticking bomb
We could all be dead tomorrow
But our love will carry on
'Cause when you know, your days are numbered
And you're looking in my eyes
It's not the end, 'cause the energy never dies
Because time's a ticking bomb
We could all be dead tomorrow
But our love will carry on
'Cause when you know, your days are numbered
And you're looking in my eyes
It's not the end, 'cause the energy never dies
Oh, oh oh, oh, oh
'Cause the energy never dies
Oh, oh oh, oh, oh
'Cause the energy never dies
Oh, oh oh, oh, oh
There's no where, there's no when
There's no start, there's no end
'Cause this love, it transcends
I found you before and I'll find you again
There's no start, there's no end
'Cause this love, it transcends
I found you before and I'll find you again
There's no where, there's no when
There's no start, there's no end
So if we're gonna feel alive
Then let's feel it now, woah
There's no start, there's no end
So if we're gonna feel alive
Then let's feel it now, woah
We could all be blown to pieces
Because time's a ticking bomb
We could all be dead tomorrow
But our love will carry on
'Cause when you know, your days are numbered
And you're looking in my eyes
It's not the end, 'cause the energy never dies
Because time's a ticking bomb
We could all be dead tomorrow
But our love will carry on
'Cause when you know, your days are numbered
And you're looking in my eyes
It's not the end, 'cause the energy never dies
Oh, oh oh, oh, oh ('Cause the energy never dies)
'Cause the energy never dies
Oh, oh oh, oh, oh ('Cause the energy never dies)
Oh, oh oh, oh, oh
'Cause the energy never dies
Oh, oh oh, oh, oh ('Cause the energy never dies)
Oh, oh oh, oh, oh
I'll take your hand and I'll hold real tight
I'll tell you life's just a blink so don't think twice.
I'll tell you life's just a blink so don't think twice.
I didn't have the chance to find either of you before, but I have no doubt that I will see you both in the next place. And believe me, the love both of you gave to the world around you has transcended. You will stay with us all, now and forever.
With Love, Molly
With Love, Molly
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In Loving Memory of:
E. E. C.
February 3rd, 1999 - December 13th, 2016
and
S. E. M.
October 9th, 2000 - June 23rd, 2017
